HOW DO WE COMMUNICATE LOVE?
There are times when we are timid and shy about expressing the love we
feel. For fear of embarrassing the other person, or ourselves, we
hesitate to say the actual words "I love you." So we try to
communicate the idea in other words.
We say 'take care' or 'don't drive too fast' or 'be good.' But really,
these are just other ways of saying 'I love you,' 'you are important
to me,' 'I care what happens to you,' 'I don't want you to get hurt.'
We are sometimes very strange people. The only thing we want to say,
and the one thing that we should say, is the one thing we don't say.
And yet, because the feeling is so real, and the need to say it is so
strong, we are driven to use other words and signs to say what we
really mean. And many times the meaning never gets communicated at all
and the other person is left feeling unloved and unwanted.
Therefore, we have to LISTEN FOR LOVE in the words that people are
saying to us. Sometimes the explicit words are necessary, but more
often, the manner of saying things is even more important. A joyous
insult carries more affection and love within the sentiments which are
expressed insincerely. An impulsive hug says I LOVE YOU even though
the words might be saying very different.
Any expression of a person's concern for another says I love you.
Sometimes the expression is clumsy, sometimes even cruel. Sometimes we
must look and listen very intently for the love that it contains. But it
is often there, beneath the surface.
A mother may nag her son constantly about his grades or cleaning his
room. The son may hear only the nagging, but if he listens carefully, he will hear the love underneath the nagging. His mother wants him to
do well, to be successful. Her concern and love for her son
unfortunately emerge in her nagging. But it is love all the same.
A daughter comes home late, way past her curfew, and her father
confronts her with angry words. The daughter may hear only the anger,
but if she listens carefully, she will hear the love under the anger.
"I was worried about you," the father is saying. 'Because I care
about you and I love you. You are important to me.
We say I love you in many ways-with birthday gifts, and little notes,
with smiles and sometimes with tears. Sometimes we show our love by
just keeping quiet and not saying a word, at other times by speaking
out, even brusquely. We show our love sometimes by impulsiveness.
Many times we have to show our love by forgiving someone who has not
listened to the love we have tried to express.
The problem is listening for love is that we don't always understand
the language of love which the other person is using. A girl may use
tears or emotions to say what she wants to say, and her boyfriend may not
understand her because he expects her to be talking his language.
Thus, we have to force ourselves to really listen for love.
The problem with our world is that people rarely listen to each other.
They hear the words, but they don't listen to the actions that
accompany the words or the expression on the face. Or people listen
only for rejection or misunderstanding. They do not see the love that
is there just beneath the surface, even if the words are angry.
We have to listen for love in those around us. If we listen intently
we will discover that we are a lot more loved than we realize.
Listen for love and we will find that the world is a
very loving place after all.
*******
*November 27th* (with video)
Watch video, then read today's writing. ...
*****
OK, here we have a daring tale of a 100% pure and innocent little lamb, who, at a young age in his life, made a bad decision in not listening to his parents and went the wrong direction into a "life of crime!"
(I will pause here so you can get some kleenex and wipe the tears from your eyes.)
... Are you back? ... Good. Now we will go on. ...
"DON'T HANG OUT WITH THE WRONG PE ..."
Excuse me, I was starting to raise my voice. I apologize.
Alright, let me put it this way. ...
"It-is-a-good-idea-that-you-do-not-spend-your-time-with-the-wrong-kind-of-people-because-although-it-will-seem-at-first-that-you-enjoy-their-company-these-people-will-take-advantage-of-you-because-they-actually-do-not-love-you-they-only-promise-they-will-be-your-friend-but-when-things-don't-seem-to-go-their-way-they-will-turn-against-you-and-they-will-do-this-by-talking-about-you-behind-your-back-if-not-blame-"you"-when-it-is-"they"-who-were-wrong-in-a-thing-they-did-and-they-only-want-to-get-off-free-no-matter-how-you-look-at-the-end. ... Do you understand???"
In other words, never stop doing all you can to respect and get along with your family. - Especially your parents. ... Or, do you want to look like this kid??? ... I suggest not!!!
OK, that is all for today. You are dismissed. ...
[Jim Hogue, MA, MFT ]
*****
OK, here we have a daring tale of a 100% pure and innocent little lamb, who, at a young age in his life, made a bad decision in not listening to his parents and went the wrong direction into a "life of crime!"(I will pause here so you can get some kleenex and wipe the tears from your eyes.)
... Are you back? ... Good. Now we will go on. ...
"DON'T HANG OUT WITH THE WRONG PE ..."
Excuse me, I was starting to raise my voice. I apologize.
Alright, let me put it this way. ...
"It-is-a-good-idea-that-you-do-not-spend-your-time-with-the-wrong-kind-of-people-because-although-it-will-seem-at-first-that-you-enjoy-their-company-these-people-will-take-advantage-of-you-because-they-actually-do-not-love-you-they-only-promise-they-will-be-your-friend-but-when-things-don't-seem-to-go-their-way-they-will-turn-against-you-and-they-will-do-this-by-talking-about-you-behind-your-back-if-not-blame-"you"-when-it-is-"they"-who-were-wrong-in-a-thing-they-did-and-they-only-want-to-get-off-free-no-matter-how-you-look-at-the-end. ... Do you understand???"
In other words, never stop doing all you can to respect and get along with your family. - Especially your parents. ... Or, do you want to look like this kid??? ... I suggest not!!!
OK, that is all for today. You are dismissed. ...
[Jim Hogue, MA, MFT ]
*November 26th* (with video)
Watch video, then read today's reading.
(Not recommended for small children to view.)
*******
This video remarkably depicts the complicated effects of "enmeshment" in relationships. Seems today we cannot seem to bond in friendship without "losing our identities in the other". However, this only cripples us as individuals, and limits us from being what we can for others, ourselves and God.
Parents can easily become enmeshed in those around them, as small children and teens can also become enmeshed in systems of the world that support them to defy and speak bad of their parents.
You can find yourself joined with a drug culture, using drugs when you thought you never would. This is enmeshment. Another word for it is "co-dependency", where you "become like those you hang out with".
Here are two outlines which briefly describe enmeshment from a "family" perspective.
[Written by Jim Hogue, MA, MFT ]
(Not recommended for small children to view.)
*******
This video remarkably depicts the complicated effects of "enmeshment" in relationships. Seems today we cannot seem to bond in friendship without "losing our identities in the other". However, this only cripples us as individuals, and limits us from being what we can for others, ourselves and God.
Parents can easily become enmeshed in those around them, as small children and teens can also become enmeshed in systems of the world that support them to defy and speak bad of their parents.
You can find yourself joined with a drug culture, using drugs when you thought you never would. This is enmeshment. Another word for it is "co-dependency", where you "become like those you hang out with".
Here are two outlines which briefly describe enmeshment from a "family" perspective.
[Written by Jim Hogue, MA, MFT ]
*November 25th* (with video)
Watch the video,
then read the writing. ...
*******
A person once remarked that the main source of our unhappiness is that we ourselves don't know what we want. We think we're dissatisfied with what we have, with the way we live, and the way other people act toward us. He suggested that each person dig down deep to see what we really feel would bring us contentment.
If this self-searching reveals only that we are disgruntled because we feel we deserve a better car, a bigger house or more money, we must dig still deeper for the real cause. Is it envy of others? Is it our inability to enjoy fully what we do have? Do we, in defense of our own shortcomings, look for excuses to blame others?
I can find serenity only by rooting out my discontent. I must acknowledge to myself the real reasons why I react as I do. Am I doing my share? If not, my dissatisfaction may be due to unrecognized guilt. Is it difficult for me to feel and express appreciation? I will try to develop a sense of gratitude. Do I expect others to behave according to my expectations?
It really adds up to this: That we're not satisfied with ourselves, and we can certainly do something about that."
[Taken from "One Day At A Time In Al-Anon",
and improvised by Jim Hogue, MA, MFT ]
then read the writing. ...
*******
A person once remarked that the main source of our unhappiness is that we ourselves don't know what we want. We think we're dissatisfied with what we have, with the way we live, and the way other people act toward us. He suggested that each person dig down deep to see what we really feel would bring us contentment.
If this self-searching reveals only that we are disgruntled because we feel we deserve a better car, a bigger house or more money, we must dig still deeper for the real cause. Is it envy of others? Is it our inability to enjoy fully what we do have? Do we, in defense of our own shortcomings, look for excuses to blame others?
I can find serenity only by rooting out my discontent. I must acknowledge to myself the real reasons why I react as I do. Am I doing my share? If not, my dissatisfaction may be due to unrecognized guilt. Is it difficult for me to feel and express appreciation? I will try to develop a sense of gratitude. Do I expect others to behave according to my expectations?
It really adds up to this: That we're not satisfied with ourselves, and we can certainly do something about that."
[Taken from "One Day At A Time In Al-Anon",
and improvised by Jim Hogue, MA, MFT ]
*November 24th* (with video)
Watch video, ...
then read the writing afterwards.
*******
Now, listen here, kid, you and me both were "brats" when we were babies!
So, appreciate your parents, understand??!!!
(Just kidding. ... Well, sort of.)
Anyway, just for an example of what your parents went through parenting you, loving you, and caring for you when you were a little one, read the following "cake recipe for moms with babies!!!"
*****
How to bake a cake:
1. Preheat oven; get out utensils and ingredients.
2. Remove blocks and toy autos from table.
3. Grease pan, crack nuts.
4. Measure two cups of flour, remove baby's hands from flour, wash flour off baby, re-measure flour.
5. Put flour, baking power, and salt in sifter.
6. Get dustpan and brush up pieces of bowl baby knocked on the floor. Get another bowl
7. Answer doorbell
8. Return to kitchen, remove baby's hands from bowl. Wash baby.
9. Answer phone.
10. Return.
11. Remove one-fourth inch salt from greased pan. Look for baby.
12. Grease another pan.
13. Answer telephone.
14. Return to kitchen and find baby. Remove his hands from bowl.
15. Take up greased pan and find layer of nutshells in it. Head for baby, who flees, knocking bowl off table.
16. Return contents to bowl, mix and place in cooking pan.
17. Have baby watch you place cooking pan in 375 degree oven. While doing so, hold baby a safe distance from oven.
18. Give baby a bath, and change clothes.
19. Take cake from oven and let cool while changing baby's diaper.
20. Wash kitchen floor, table, walls, dishes.
21. Hold baby and feed baby very slowly until the baby grows bigger than you are and thinks he knows more than you do!!!
[Source of recipe unknown. Improvised by Jim Hogue, MA, MFT ]
then read the writing afterwards.
*******
Now, listen here, kid, you and me both were "brats" when we were babies!
So, appreciate your parents, understand??!!!
(Just kidding. ... Well, sort of.)
Anyway, just for an example of what your parents went through parenting you, loving you, and caring for you when you were a little one, read the following "cake recipe for moms with babies!!!"*****
How to bake a cake:
1. Preheat oven; get out utensils and ingredients.
2. Remove blocks and toy autos from table.
3. Grease pan, crack nuts.
4. Measure two cups of flour, remove baby's hands from flour, wash flour off baby, re-measure flour.
5. Put flour, baking power, and salt in sifter.
6. Get dustpan and brush up pieces of bowl baby knocked on the floor. Get another bowl
7. Answer doorbell
8. Return to kitchen, remove baby's hands from bowl. Wash baby.
9. Answer phone.
10. Return.
11. Remove one-fourth inch salt from greased pan. Look for baby.
12. Grease another pan.
13. Answer telephone.
14. Return to kitchen and find baby. Remove his hands from bowl.
15. Take up greased pan and find layer of nutshells in it. Head for baby, who flees, knocking bowl off table.
16. Return contents to bowl, mix and place in cooking pan.
17. Have baby watch you place cooking pan in 375 degree oven. While doing so, hold baby a safe distance from oven.
18. Give baby a bath, and change clothes.
19. Take cake from oven and let cool while changing baby's diaper.
20. Wash kitchen floor, table, walls, dishes.
21. Hold baby and feed baby very slowly until the baby grows bigger than you are and thinks he knows more than you do!!!
[Source of recipe unknown. Improvised by Jim Hogue, MA, MFT ]
*November 23rd* (with video)
Watch the Video,
then read the writing for today. ...
*******
A famous woman who survived terrible events of World War II, tells the story of a conversation she once had with her father when she was young and on a trip with him:
"'Father, what is sex sin?'
My father turned to look at me, as he always did when answering a question, but to my surprise he said nothing. At last he stood up, lifted his traveling case from the rack over our heads, and set it on the floor.
'Will you carry it off the train, Corrie?' he said. I stood up and tugged at it. It was crammed with the watches and spare parts he had purchased that morning.
'It's too heavy,' I said.
'Yes,' he said. 'And it would be a pretty poor father who would ask his little girl to carry such a load. It's the same way, Corrie, with knowledge. Some knowledge is too heavy for children. When you are older and stronger you can bear it. For now you must trust me to carry it for you.'
And I was satisfied. More than satisfied -- wonderfully at peace. There were answers to this and all my hard questions -- but now I was content to leave them in my father's keeping."
Remember, for as long as you are a young child or teenager, there is safety under an "umbrella of authority" of your parent or parents. There might be questions about life that is too early for you to know the answer to. No matter what anyone tells you, "you do not have to know everything about the world and life, before it is too soon for you to know them!"
Consider keeping some burdens off your shoulders as long as you can. Those burdens and challenges will come soon enough in life, and that, when it is time for you to know them, based on responsibilities that will be given you. Don't forget to enjoy your youthful time in life while you can. This is done by speaking with reasonable respect to the adults who hold responsibility over you. Appreciate them, even tell them "thanks" once in a while. This could mean more than you know!!!
[Jim Hogue, MA, MFT ]
then read the writing for today. ...
*******
A famous woman who survived terrible events of World War II, tells the story of a conversation she once had with her father when she was young and on a trip with him:
"'Father, what is sex sin?'
My father turned to look at me, as he always did when answering a question, but to my surprise he said nothing. At last he stood up, lifted his traveling case from the rack over our heads, and set it on the floor.
'Will you carry it off the train, Corrie?' he said. I stood up and tugged at it. It was crammed with the watches and spare parts he had purchased that morning.
'It's too heavy,' I said.
'Yes,' he said. 'And it would be a pretty poor father who would ask his little girl to carry such a load. It's the same way, Corrie, with knowledge. Some knowledge is too heavy for children. When you are older and stronger you can bear it. For now you must trust me to carry it for you.'
And I was satisfied. More than satisfied -- wonderfully at peace. There were answers to this and all my hard questions -- but now I was content to leave them in my father's keeping."
Remember, for as long as you are a young child or teenager, there is safety under an "umbrella of authority" of your parent or parents. There might be questions about life that is too early for you to know the answer to. No matter what anyone tells you, "you do not have to know everything about the world and life, before it is too soon for you to know them!"
Consider keeping some burdens off your shoulders as long as you can. Those burdens and challenges will come soon enough in life, and that, when it is time for you to know them, based on responsibilities that will be given you. Don't forget to enjoy your youthful time in life while you can. This is done by speaking with reasonable respect to the adults who hold responsibility over you. Appreciate them, even tell them "thanks" once in a while. This could mean more than you know!!!
[Jim Hogue, MA, MFT ]
*November 22nd* (with video)
First watch the video,
then read today's writing.
*******
A water bearer in India had two large pots, each hung on each end of a pole which he carried across his neck. One of the pots had a crack in it, and while the other pot was perfect and always delivered a full portion of water at the end of the long walk from the stream to the masters house, the cracked pot arrived only half full. For a full two years this went on daily, with the bearer delivering only one and a half pots full of water in his masters house.
Of course, the perfect pot was proud of its accomplishments, perfect to the end for which it was made. But the poor cracked pot was ashamed of its own imperfection, and miserable that it was able to accomplish only half of what it had been made to do.
After two years of what it perceived to be a bitter failure, it spoke to the water bearer one day by the stream. "I am ashamed of myself, and I want to apologize to you."
"Why?" asked the bearer. "What are you ashamed of?"
"I have been able, for these past two years, to deliver only half my load because this crack in my side causes water to leak out all the way back to your masters house. Because of my flaws, you have to do all of this work, and you don't get full value from your efforts." The pot said.
The water bearer felt sorry for the old cracked pot, and in his compassion he said, "As we return to the masters house, I want you to notice the beautiful flowers along the path."
Indeed, as they went up the hill, the old cracked pot took notice of the sun warming the beautiful wild flowers on the side of the path, and this cheered it some. But at the end of the trail, it still felt bad because it had leaked out half its load, and so again the Pot apologized to the bearer for its failure.
The bearer said to the pot, "Did you notice that there were flowers only on your side of your path, but not on the other pots side? That's because I have always known about your flaw, and I took advantage of it. I planted flower seeds on your side of the path, and every day while we walk back from the stream, you've watered them. For two years I have been able to pick these beautiful flowers to decorate my masters table. Without you being just the way you are, he would not have this beauty to grace his house."
Each of us has our own unique flaws. We re all cracked pots. But in God's great economy, nothing goes to waste. Don't be afraid of your flaws. Acknowledge them, and you too can be the cause of beauty. Know that in our weakness we find our strength.
[Source of story is unknown. Improvised by
Jim Hogue, MA, MFT ]
then read today's writing.
*******
A water bearer in India had two large pots, each hung on each end of a pole which he carried across his neck. One of the pots had a crack in it, and while the other pot was perfect and always delivered a full portion of water at the end of the long walk from the stream to the masters house, the cracked pot arrived only half full. For a full two years this went on daily, with the bearer delivering only one and a half pots full of water in his masters house.
Of course, the perfect pot was proud of its accomplishments, perfect to the end for which it was made. But the poor cracked pot was ashamed of its own imperfection, and miserable that it was able to accomplish only half of what it had been made to do.
After two years of what it perceived to be a bitter failure, it spoke to the water bearer one day by the stream. "I am ashamed of myself, and I want to apologize to you."
"Why?" asked the bearer. "What are you ashamed of?"
"I have been able, for these past two years, to deliver only half my load because this crack in my side causes water to leak out all the way back to your masters house. Because of my flaws, you have to do all of this work, and you don't get full value from your efforts." The pot said.
The water bearer felt sorry for the old cracked pot, and in his compassion he said, "As we return to the masters house, I want you to notice the beautiful flowers along the path."
Indeed, as they went up the hill, the old cracked pot took notice of the sun warming the beautiful wild flowers on the side of the path, and this cheered it some. But at the end of the trail, it still felt bad because it had leaked out half its load, and so again the Pot apologized to the bearer for its failure.
The bearer said to the pot, "Did you notice that there were flowers only on your side of your path, but not on the other pots side? That's because I have always known about your flaw, and I took advantage of it. I planted flower seeds on your side of the path, and every day while we walk back from the stream, you've watered them. For two years I have been able to pick these beautiful flowers to decorate my masters table. Without you being just the way you are, he would not have this beauty to grace his house."
Each of us has our own unique flaws. We re all cracked pots. But in God's great economy, nothing goes to waste. Don't be afraid of your flaws. Acknowledge them, and you too can be the cause of beauty. Know that in our weakness we find our strength.[Source of story is unknown. Improvised by
Jim Hogue, MA, MFT ]
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