"Each day as you wake up, make the decision to strive to do what's right.
Approach your life as you would your game....
...when you make a mistake, learn from it, correct it, and get ready for the next point. Life moves too fast to sulk and dwell on the past.
...when you're down, fight harder to get back on top. Life is full of hardships. Fight hard against those feelings of despair. ...when you're doing everything right and still can't win, be patient. No matter how good we are or how hard we struggle to make the right decisions, life often makes us wait.
...when you are on top of your game, relax and enjoy it. Life is fully appreciated when we survive adversity and can relax in the sunlight of success.
Each sunrise brings a new opportunity. No matter how bad the day before was, today is brand new. When you wake up, seek the strength and courage to do the right thing."
I shared this video with you because I thought it was funny. (My 3 year old son especially likes it!!!)
Just for a moment of reading, consider this. ... The way you respond to your parents and the adults around you, is the way you will be handling life as it is coming to you as you grow older. We are expecting and looking forward to you making positive changes.
Concerning the kind of world you are growing up in, and the kind of kids that you see in your life each day, here is an interesting quote:
Alan Lang, in his "Substance Abuse and Habitual Behavior" report to the National Academy of Science, identifies nine characteristics related to marijuana, alcohol and other drug use: Impulsive behavior, Difficulty in delaying gratification, Sensation seeking, Antisocial personality, Nonconformist values, Sense of alienation, Deviant behavior, Heightened feelings of stress, Little regard for goals generally valued by society.
Mrs. Podesta here has a point. "Difficult people are great actors." ... "Difficult people have an act."
Young child or teen, are you "difficult" sometimes when things don't go your way in your home? Do you argue, fight and otherwise act rudely against your parents or other family members when things don't go your way?
Perhaps you can say to yourself, "Well, other kids do it, so why can't I??!!!"
No, not really. Your parents are worth basic respect for the people they are in your life, and honor for what they do for you. Do you see this, or is it on some level a choice you have to be blind to it?
Well, the team of parents are learning to see your behavior for what it is. There is less and less pay-off for you when you act this way. When you are angry, you give your strength to others, nothing is gained by it.
Oh, and for the kids in the program who have turned things around in their lives and homes. Wow, you deserve so much the credit for the good work you are doing. It is "we" who are honored in working with you!!!
There are times when we are timid and shy about expressing the love we feel. For fear of embarrassing the other person, or ourselves, we hesitate to say the actual words "I love you." So we try to communicate the idea in other words.
We say 'take care' or 'don't drive too fast' or 'be good.' But really, these are just other ways of saying 'I love you,' 'you are important to me,' 'I care what happens to you,' 'I don't want you to get hurt.'
We are sometimes very strange people. The only thing we want to say, and the one thing that we should say, is the one thing we don't say. And yet, because the feeling is so real, and the need to say it is so strong, we are driven to use other words and signs to say what we really mean. And many times the meaning never gets communicated at all and the other person is left feeling unloved and unwanted.
Therefore, we have to LISTEN FOR LOVE in the words that people are saying to us. Sometimes the explicit words are necessary, but more often, the manner of saying things is even more important. A joyous insult carries more affection and love within the sentiments which are expressed insincerely. An impulsive hug says I LOVE YOU even though the words might be saying very different.
Any expression of a person's concern for another says I love you. Sometimes the expression is clumsy, sometimes even cruel. Sometimes we must look and listen very intently for the love that it contains. But it is often there, beneath the surface.
A mother may nag her son constantly about his grades or cleaning his room. The son may hear only the nagging, but if he listens carefully, he will hear the love underneath the nagging. His mother wants him to do well, to be successful. Her concern and love for her son unfortunately emerge in her nagging. But it is love all the same.
A daughter comes home late, way past her curfew, and her father confronts her with angry words. The daughter may hear only the anger, but if she listens carefully, she will hear the love under the anger. "I was worried about you," the father is saying. 'Because I care about you and I love you. You are important to me.
We say I love you in many ways-with birthday gifts, and little notes, with smiles and sometimes with tears. Sometimes we show our love by just keeping quiet and not saying a word, at other times by speaking out, even brusquely. We show our love sometimes by impulsiveness. Many times we have to show our love by forgiving someone who has not listened to the love we have tried to express.
The problem is listening for love is that we don't always understand the language of love which the other person is using. A girl may use tears or emotions to say what she wants to say, and her boyfriend may not understand her because he expects her to be talking his language. Thus, we have to force ourselves to really listen for love. The problem with our world is that people rarely listen to each other. They hear the words, but they don't listen to the actions that accompany the words or the expression on the face. Or people listen only for rejection or misunderstanding. They do not see the love that is there just beneath the surface, even if the words are angry.
We have to listen for love in those around us. If we listen intently we will discover that we are a lot more loved than we realize.
Listen for love and we will find that the world is a very loving place after all. *******
OK, here we have a daring tale of a 100% pure and innocent little lamb, who, at a young age in his life, made a bad decision in not listening to his parents and went the wrong direction into a "life of crime!"
(I will pause here so you can get some kleenex and wipe the tears from your eyes.)
... Are you back? ... Good. Now we will go on. ...
"DON'T HANG OUT WITH THE WRONG PE ..."
Excuse me, I was starting to raise my voice. I apologize.
Alright, let me put it this way. ...
"It-is-a-good-idea-that-you-do-not-spend-your-time-with-the-wrong-kind-of-people-because-although-it-will-seem-at-first-that-you-enjoy-their-company-these-people-will-take-advantage-of-you-because-they-actually-do-not-love-you-they-only-promise-they-will-be-your-friend-but-when-things-don't-seem-to-go-their-way-they-will-turn-against-you-and-they-will-do-this-by-talking-about-you-behind-your-back-if-not-blame-"you"-when-it-is-"they"-who-were-wrong-in-a-thing-they-did-and-they-only-want-to-get-off-free-no-matter-how-you-look-at-the-end. ... Do you understand???"
In other words, never stop doing all you can to respect and get along with your family. - Especially your parents. ... Or, do you want to look like this kid??? ... I suggest not!!!
Watch video, then read today's reading. (Not recommended for small children to view.)
*******
This video remarkably depicts the complicated effects of "enmeshment" in relationships. Seems today we cannot seem to bond in friendship without "losing our identities in the other". However, this only cripples us as individuals, and limits us from being what we can for others, ourselves and God.
Parents can easily become enmeshed in those around them, as small children and teens can also become enmeshed in systems of the world that support them to defy and speak bad of their parents.
You can find yourself joined with a drug culture, using drugs when you thought you never would. This is enmeshment. Another word for it is "co-dependency", where you "become like those you hang out with".
Here are two outlines which briefly describe enmeshment from a "family" perspective.
A person once remarked that the main source of our unhappiness is that we ourselves don't know what we want. We think we're dissatisfied with what we have, with the way we live, and the way other people act toward us. He suggested that each person dig down deep to see what we really feel would bring us contentment.
If this self-searching reveals only that we are disgruntled because we feel we deserve a better car, a bigger house or more money, we must dig still deeper for the real cause. Is it envy of others? Is it our inability to enjoy fully what we do have? Do we, in defense of our own shortcomings, look for excuses to blame others? I can find serenity only by rooting out my discontent. I must acknowledge to myself the real reasons why I react as I do. Am I doing my share? If not, my dissatisfaction may be due to unrecognized guilt. Is it difficult for me to feel and express appreciation? I will try to develop a sense of gratitude. Do I expect others to behave according to my expectations?
It really adds up to this: That we're not satisfied with ourselves, and we can certainly do something about that."
[Taken from "One Day At A Time In Al-Anon", and improvised by Jim Hogue, MA, MFT ]
Watch video, ... then read the writing afterwards.
*******
Now, listen here, kid, you and me both were "brats" when we were babies! So, appreciate your parents, understand??!!!
(Just kidding. ... Well, sort of.)
Anyway, just for an example of what your parents went through parenting you, loving you, and caring for you when you were a little one, read the following "cake recipe for moms with babies!!!"
*****
How to bake a cake:
1. Preheat oven; get out utensils and ingredients.
2. Remove blocks and toy autos from table.
3. Grease pan, crack nuts.
4. Measure two cups of flour, remove baby's hands from flour, wash flour off baby, re-measure flour.
5. Put flour, baking power, and salt in sifter.
6. Get dustpan and brush up pieces of bowl baby knocked on the floor. Get another bowl
7. Answer doorbell
8. Return to kitchen, remove baby's hands from bowl. Wash baby.
9. Answer phone.
10. Return.
11. Remove one-fourth inch salt from greased pan. Look for baby.
12. Grease another pan.
13. Answer telephone.
14. Return to kitchen and find baby. Remove his hands from bowl.
15. Take up greased pan and find layer of nutshells in it. Head for baby, who flees, knocking bowl off table.
16. Return contents to bowl, mix and place in cooking pan.
17. Have baby watch you place cooking pan in 375 degree oven. While doing so, hold baby a safe distance from oven.
18. Give baby a bath, and change clothes.
19. Take cake from oven and let cool while changing baby's diaper.
20. Wash kitchen floor, table, walls, dishes.
21. Hold baby and feed baby very slowly until the baby grows bigger than you are and thinks he knows more than you do!!!
[Source of recipe unknown. Improvised by Jim Hogue, MA, MFT ]
Watch the Video, then read the writing for today. ...
*******
A famous woman who survived terrible events of World War II, tells the story of a conversation she once had with her father when she was young and on a trip with him:
"'Father, what is sex sin?'
My father turned to look at me, as he always did when answering a question, but to my surprise he said nothing. At last he stood up, lifted his traveling case from the rack over our heads, and set it on the floor.
'Will you carry it off the train, Corrie?' he said. I stood up and tugged at it. It was crammed with the watches and spare parts he had purchased that morning.
'It's too heavy,' I said.
'Yes,' he said. 'And it would be a pretty poor father who would ask his little girl to carry such a load. It's the same way, Corrie, with knowledge. Some knowledge is too heavy for children. When you are older and stronger you can bear it. For now you must trust me to carry it for you.'
And I was satisfied. More than satisfied -- wonderfully at peace. There were answers to this and all my hard questions -- but now I was content to leave them in my father's keeping."
Remember, for as long as you are a young child or teenager, there is safety under an "umbrella of authority" of your parent or parents. There might be questions about life that is too early for you to know the answer to. No matter what anyone tells you, "you do not have to know everything about the world and life, before it is too soon for you to know them!"
Consider keeping some burdens off your shoulders as long as you can. Those burdens and challenges will come soon enough in life, and that, when it is time for you to know them, based on responsibilities that will be given you. Don't forget to enjoy your youthful time in life while you can. This is done by speaking with reasonable respect to the adults who hold responsibility over you. Appreciate them, even tell them "thanks" once in a while. This could mean more than you know!!!
******* A water bearer in India had two large pots, each hung on each end of a pole which he carried across his neck. One of the pots had a crack in it, and while the other pot was perfect and always delivered a full portion of water at the end of the long walk from the stream to the masters house, the cracked pot arrived only half full. For a full two years this went on daily, with the bearer delivering only one and a half pots full of water in his masters house.
Of course, the perfect pot was proud of its accomplishments, perfect to the end for which it was made. But the poor cracked pot was ashamed of its own imperfection, and miserable that it was able to accomplish only half of what it had been made to do.
After two years of what it perceived to be a bitter failure, it spoke to the water bearer one day by the stream. "I am ashamed of myself, and I want to apologize to you."
"Why?" asked the bearer. "What are you ashamed of?"
"I have been able, for these past two years, to deliver only half my load because this crack in my side causes water to leak out all the way back to your masters house. Because of my flaws, you have to do all of this work, and you don't get full value from your efforts." The pot said.
The water bearer felt sorry for the old cracked pot, and in his compassion he said, "As we return to the masters house, I want you to notice the beautiful flowers along the path."
Indeed, as they went up the hill, the old cracked pot took notice of the sun warming the beautiful wild flowers on the side of the path, and this cheered it some. But at the end of the trail, it still felt bad because it had leaked out half its load, and so again the Pot apologized to the bearer for its failure.
The bearer said to the pot, "Did you notice that there were flowers only on your side of your path, but not on the other pots side? That's because I have always known about your flaw, and I took advantage of it. I planted flower seeds on your side of the path, and every day while we walk back from the stream, you've watered them. For two years I have been able to pick these beautiful flowers to decorate my masters table. Without you being just the way you are, he would not have this beauty to grace his house."Each of us has our own unique flaws. We re all cracked pots. But in God's great economy, nothing goes to waste. Don't be afraid of your flaws. Acknowledge them, and you too can be the cause of beauty. Know that in our weakness we find our strength.
[Source of story is unknown. Improvised by Jim Hogue, MA, MFT ]
There was a little boy with a bad temper. His father gave him a bag of nails and told him that every time he lost his temper, to hammer a nail in the back fence. The first day the boy had driven 37 nails into the fence. Then each day the number of times the boy lost his temper gradually decreased. Over time he discovered it was easier to hold his temper than to walk back to the fence and drive those nails with the hammer.
Finally the day came when the boy didn't lose his temper at all. He told his father about it and the father suggested that the boy now pull out one nail for each day he was able to hold his temper.The days passed and the young boy was eventually able to tell his father that all the nails were gone. The father took his son by the hand and led him to the fence. He said, "You have done well, my son, but look at the holes in the fence. The fence will never be the same. When you say things in anger, they leave a scar just these. With your words you can put a knife in a man and draw it out. It won't matter how many times you say 'I'm sorry', the wound will still be there."
Many of you kids in the "PTI Program" are making great strides in your behavior and personal decisions. Keep up the good work. You deserve the credit for the progress you have made. We are proud of you.
[Source of writing unknown. Improvized by Jim Hogue, MA, MFT]
Watch the video first, then read the writing that comes afterwards.
OK, so we have in this short film animation, a continuation of what possibly happened to the "Tin Man" after he received his "heart" from "The Wizard Of Oz". Of course the Tin Man went on merrily on his way, right? Well, we see here that it was only soon after that he mishandled what was given him.
Here he is walking down the road minding his own business, pleasant as he can be, then suddenly he notices a "pretty robot" and instantly gives her his heart.
Listen kid, while you think of this story, the same thing "will" happen to you if you're not "very careful" and listen to wise advice given you!
Well, surprise-surprise, the girl robot misuses the Tin Man's heart. Possibly the heart given her did not provide all she wanted, so she plays with the heart, summarily abuses it, then hurls it as far away from as she can throw it! Interestingly, the heart, upon being thrown, smacks another girl robot on the head injuring her.
Yet, girl robot number two, even after being damaged by the hit, treats the Tin Man's heart with remarkable care and concern, a marked contrast to girl robot number one. Soon she gently gives the Tin Man's heart back to him, for him to protect and do with it what he will.
What was the difference between Tin Women numbers one and two? Well, the second girl robot was kind and thought of others before herself. ... After this that girl robot and Tin Man walked away into the sunset together. (Or, actually, I think I added the sunset.)
It is interesting how life is made complicated by our decision to give our hearts to the wrong people. For some of us it has taken "years" for it to dawn on us that love is a decision, and that giving our hearts whimsically to the first attractive person we see is out-right dangerous. What is more, it is never healthy to "lose ourselves" in other people. It leaves us debilitated, broken and "unable" to give in the way God wants. (Translated, this means "co-dependancy.On a final note, understand that each day the "Teen Daily Reading" selections will be including short films of this nature almost constantly. This is to assist you to think of many kinds of things that happen in life, and why it is important to use wisdom and listen to your conscience when making important decisions.
[Writing itself was written by Jim Hogue, MA, MFTI / Supervisor: Peter Mosgofian, MA, MFT ]
There is something both adults and children do at times. Some people know they do it, some don't. It brings pain when it is done to others. The resulting sadness can at times be very great.
It is when we rob people of believing in themselves.
Perhaps we do it to makes us feel stronger. Sometimes it is trying to get something. It can be for a toy, to avoid an embarrassment, or, to give up parenting or get a divorce?
As a counseling therapist, I know not everything is always how it first appears. Sometime a kid wants to get even on the playground at school. They act in ways to look like they are the innocent one, while saying and doing things to hurt other kids. How this is done can be explained in many ways, but one way is by "robbing the other of their fundamental right of self-confidence, self-respect, and self-belief." Then, that person makes it look like it is the other persons fault and what they rightly deserve!
The game is played in many ways and for many reasons. Like,when your parents are old, you limit them in believing in themselves, trying for their dreams, because you are resentful and blame them for how you think they treated you when you were a child. Tricks like this can be done, while at the same time, convincing the world you're your parents greatest Rescuer when you're not.
Yes, the world is full of toxic behaviors by people claiming to do good, when instead, they perpetrate harm. One way of doing this is by robbing people of believing in themselves, even in the simple things that define human integrity. After this done, it is easy to manipulate and control to get what that person want by stealth and deception.
In the "Parent Team Intervention Program" we hold kids accountable for poor behavior, but the process of doing so is always in the loving hunt for each child's dignity, conscience and personal respect.
If you are in the "Parent Team Intervention Program" you've heard me occasionally refer to the life principle, "The very thing that appears to be a person's greatest weakness, is precisely where is that person's greatest strength." A kind of "diamond-in-the-rough" if you will.
One of many examples of this is in the story of a 10-year-old boy who decided to study Judo despite the fact that he had lost his right arm in a devastating car accident.
The boy began lessons with an old Japanese judo master. Over time he did well, so he couldn't understand why, after many long months of training, the master had taught him only one move.
"Sensei," the boy finally said, "Shouldn't I be learning more moves?"
"This is the only move you know, but this is the only move you'll ever need to know," the sensei replied.
Not quite understanding, but believing in his teacher, the boy kept training. Several months later, the sensei took the boy to his first tournament. Surprising himself, the boy easily won his first two matches. The third match proved to be more difficult, but after some time, his opponent became impatient and charged; the boy naturally used his one move to win the match. Still amazed by his success, the boy was now in the finals.
This time, his opponent was bigger, stronger, and more experienced. For a while, the boy appeared to be overmatched. Concerned that the young man with one arm might get hurt, the referee called a time-out. He was about to stop the match when the sensei intervened.
"No," the sensei insisted, "Let him continue."
Soon after the match resumed, the larger of the fighters made a critical mistake, - he dropped his guard. Instantly, the boy used the one move he knew how to use to pin him. The boy had won the match and the tournament. He was the champion. His one arm was raised in victory with utter amazement on the face of this winner.
On the way home, the boy and sensei reviewed every move in each and every match. Then the boy summoned the courage to ask what had been troubling him.
"Sensei, how did I win the tournament with only one move?"
"You won for two reasons," the sensei answered. "First, you've almost mastered one of the most difficult throws in all of judo. And second, the only known defense for that move is for your opponent to grab your right arm!"
The boy's biggest weakness had become his greatest strength.
I tell you, think about it. Psychologically, in the area where you usually judge yourself weakest, when someone of value believes in you, and you release all anger and resentment, you discover the very quality you believed was weak, was your greatest strength all along!
More will be said about this in the future, but for now, if it is not too early in the morning and you can stand some energetic music, click on: "CHARLIE THE KARATE CHIMP VIDEO" for another interesting comparison!!!
[Written by Jim Hogue, MA, MFTI / Supervisor: Peter Mosgofian, MA, MFT ]
No man can ever be everything that is a mother. Yet, at the same time, no matter how hard we try, no woman can be everything that is a "father".
Today we have a video of Chet Atkins playing and singing the song "I Still Can't Say Goodbye" (In 1968). Someone once said one reason it is important that children outlive their parents, is so that when their parents leave them in death, the children can more completely realize how much the parents meant to them.. Maybe, in a way, it is a natural stage we go through.
In a special way, this is true especially of fathers. As we said, no mother can be a father, no matter how hard she tries. A father need not say much, his power may only be in a glance. And there's something about his presence that speaks volumes.
It can almost be in doing anything. Fishing, cooking pancakes, watching a ball game, talking about the weather or repairing something. It just in doing things, and that he's there.
Some of us don't have fathers. A few have just lost one. No matter our age, when it happens, we feel something deep inside is greatly lost. Something that no other person, it seems, can ever quite replace. At least not in the same way and not in this life.
Your father could have been a good man or a bad man. It almost doesn't matter. In a way. What I mean is, in either case, one wonders deep in the soul, "What did my dad think of me?"
For some reason God allows this to have great power in our lives. No matter what.
In the Bible, as well as many cultures throughout the world, it has been, and remains to this day, a custom for sons and daughters to seek a "blessing" from the patriarch of the family. Upon leaving to be married, returning from war, having a first child and so on, ritualistically being blessed or "confirmed" is a moment sought immediately before leaving to ones home.
Strong and loving dads, each in their own way, having done all to stand when the going was tough, "blessing" a young man or woman with words like, "You know I wouldn't tell you this if it were not true. - No matter what anyone tells you, just remember that I love you and that I'm proud of the great job you're doing ." ... Wow, if that young adult has respect or honor for their father, even enough to fit in a thimble, he or she would walk away with confidence to conquer the world!
Finally, is your father gone? ... Well, did he go to a good place? Then in my personal opinion, he knows more about you now than he ever did. In a very real way, your dad is with you at this very moment, and that, because of the mercy, grace and power of God. My point is this. You can still show them both (I mean your dad and God), that because of them, and their watchful presence each day, you will become and be all they ever wished you to be.
[Written by Jim Hogue, MA, MFTI / Supervisor Peter Mosgofian, MA, MFT ]
What are the character traits that is good for you have inside you as a child or teenager? We can say things like faith in God, self-confidence, commitment, discipline, doing what is right, - things like that. Here, let's remember also the word "insight", the ability to observe the world around us, and look deeply behind events to understand them.
Opportunities for becoming insightful is all around us every day. Of course, there's incidents that happen in school and in the neighborhood, as well as depicted on radio and television news programs.
The point is this, it is true what is said in scripture, that "The truth will set you free." Without truth, right-and-wrong, good-but-better, we would not have "handrails", as it were, with which to navigate ourselves mentally and physically through the complexity of what occurs unexpectedly around us.
Thank God that all the convolutedness of the world is not too much for God to understand and take care of! Let us take time each day to pause and listen to the wisdom of a quiet voice inside us. That voice directs us to look below and behind what is seen only with looking closely. Thinking wisely, and with insight, "will" save you much pain and confusion in the future. Now watch and listen to this video:
If you are a parent, were a parent, or ever wish to be a parent, this is a warning!!!
If you sometimes feel you are going crazy, find solace in the extreme likelihood that you are "not".
Now, to preserve the state of my relationship and professional accreditation with the "California State Board of Behavioral Sciences", I will refuse to provide a theoretical premise for what I will now say. However, I cannot help but verbalize how it remains profoundly interesting the "Property Laws Of Children" listed below appear valid when we parents undertake the sometimes daunting endeavor to parent our young ones!!!
1. If I like it, it's mine!
2. If it's in my hand, it's mine!
3. If I can take it from you, it's mine!
4. If I had it a little while ago, it's mine!
5. If it's mine, it must never appear to be yours in any way!
6. If I'm doing or building something, all the pieces are mine!.
7. If it looks just like mine, it's mine!
8. If I saw it first, it's mine!
9. If you are playing with something and you put it down, it automatically becomes mine!
10. If it's broken, it's yours!
[ Provided by Jim Hogue, MA, MFTI / Source of list unknown / Supervisor: Peter Mosgofian, MA, MFTI ]
During World War II six Navy pilots left their aircraft carrier on a mission. After searching the seas for enemy submarines, they tried to return to their ship shortly after dark. But the captain had ordered a blackout of all lights on the ship. Over and over the frantic pilots radioed, asking for just one light so they could see to land. But the pilots were told that the blackout could not be lifted. After several appeals and denials of their request, the ship's operator turned the switch to break radio contact--and the pilots were forced to ditch in the ocean.
As a child or teenager, you have many things that happen in your life which are sometimes confusing. It is easy to become frustrated, impatient, even angry. Yet, as you go through changes and try to make sense of the many experiences you go through, remember it is important that you do all you can to create and nurture a fundamental respect and honor for your parents or guardians. Yes, they are not perfect, but if you look in your heart, you know they love you and want the best for you.
Remind yourself that you might someday be as one of the planes in our story, who were circling back to find it's ship for landing safely. Taking advantage of your mother's compassion or your father's respect for you, no matter what levels that might be, could leave them at some point wanting to just give up all hope of helping you.
Consider that, if you happen to believe there is a God, then it is obvious that He gave you the parents or guardians you have, not only so that they would learn how to be your parents, but also so that you would learn how to best be their child. The coping skills you develop by doing this, will prepare you for the challenges that will come upon you through your years as an adult. Believe me, the way you respond to them now, will greatly influence how you will react if you should become a parent yourself and have a kid that is like you!
Anyway, sometime when you are alone in the quiet, take a moment to consider these things. You might find that the thoughts will help you greatly.
[Written by Jim Hogue, MA, MFTI / Supervisor: Peter Mosgofian, MA, MFTI ]
My Polish wife tells the story of a man who was an officer in that country's military before the second world war. He, along with many hundreds of other officers, were commissioned on a peace keeping mission to Russia to deliberate with that country on the impending threat of Nazi Germany in Eastern Europe. Before the man left on his journey, his little boy asked him to please take with him a much cherished teddy-bear. The reason was because the officer's son wished to be remembered while his father was away on important business.
Appreciating the gesture, the father, took with him "one leg" of his son's teddy-bear. The father said to his child, "When I return, I will be sure to have with me the leg of your precious teddy-bear so I can repair it. ... By this we will know that we have once again united as a loving family."
The sad part of this story is that the father never returned. It turned out that the invitation for talks with the Russian government was a setup. Upon the arrival of the Polish officers to that country, the many hundreds were promptly lined up and shot.
Of course the little boy grew to be a man, all the time missing his father very much. Long years of investigations went on for proof of what did happen. Finally one day the mass graves of these large numbers of men were discovered. Excavation began, with meticulous examination of what remains belonged to whom.
In the case of this father, the news went out across the land that not only was evidence revealed of the final resting place of this son's father, but that also in the precise location was discovered the carefully preserved "leg of the child's teddy-bear". It is likely that upon his execution, the father grasped fondly the tangible, sacred connection with his son.
As fathers and mothers, grandfathers and grandmothers, the roller-coaster ride that is both precious and sometimes difficult in connection with our children, is a valuable part of our lives. Some say it is more. That it is the "very reason" for our existence.
As a child or teenager, do you sometimes become frustrated, confused, even hurt? Because of the actions of people around you, even your parents, are you occasionally disappointed or lonely?
Let me tell you to please not give up. Use the challenges to only make you stronger in your resolve to be the best kid you can be. Literally, "your future depends upon it." Rise above it all like clouds peering down upon the earth. In eternity you will look back at all the trials and will not regret it.
[Written by Jim Hogue, MA, MFTI / Supervisor: Peter Mosgofian, MA, MFT ]
Our attitudes are usually conveyed to other people by what we say and do, - and how, "if the attitudes really reflect what we feel". Gentle actions and soft, courteous words may only pretend to hide our true feelings. We may even "think" we have overcome angry resentment, self-righteousness and self-pity, but if they are still there inside us, they will in some mysterious way emanate from us and deny what we try to convey by our play-acting.
"How can he tell?" asks one family member to another. "I never raise my voice, never argue, try to do what he expects, and yet he's always challenging me!"
Today's Reminder Merely to change my behavior, and what I say and do, does not prove a change of inward attitude. I am deceiving myself if I imagine I can completely disguise my real feelings. They will somehow come through, and prolong the hostility in my family. I must root out entirely the troublesome emotions I've been trying to hide.
[ Taken and fashioned from "One Day At A Time In Al-Anon" for general family relationships by Jim Hogue, MA, MFTI / Supervisor: Peter Mosgofian, MA, MFT ]
Sometimes we face unwanted chores and feel as if it is the last thing on earth we want to do. You know, things like mowing the lawn, doing the wash, cleaning the house, or dealing with complexities of living with family!
When this happens, we can follow a simple motto: "I don't feel like it—but I'm going to do it anyway." There is something about recognizing our lack of motivation and then choosing to be responsible that helps us follow through with duties before us.
God's value on faith and obedience can be seen in the parables of Jesus. Christ spoke about two sons who were asked to work in the vineyard. The first said no, but "...afterward he regretted it and went" (Mattew 21:29). The second said yes but did not follow through. Then the Lord asked His listeners, "Which of the two did the will of his father?" (v.31). The obvious answer is the one who finished the task.
Our Lord's illustration underscores a key spiritual principle. God is interested in our faith and obedience—not just our good intentions. It is interesting how perhaps "all" of us wrestle with feelings of not being motivated. The fact is, we do not need to place ourselves on a "guilt-trip" about it, as motivation problems are a part of being human. Still, when we are tempted to shirk our responsibilities, why not say, "I don't feel like it," and then ask God for the grace to do it anyway. There "is" strength in doing this. Try sometime, you will see.
[ Article concept by Dennis Fisher, revised and submitted by Jim Hogue, MA, MFTI Supervisor: Peter Mosgofian, Ma, MFTI ]
Not a year goes by without a natural disaster causing chaos somewhere in the world. Floods, hurricanes, and tsunamis destroy lives, homes, and livelihoods. No one would argue that the seas have a "right" to violate their established boundaries and crash across the coastline. In fact, people agree that disaster occurs whenever the sea breaches the shoreline. God Himself has "placed the sand as the bound of the sea" (Jer. 5:22).
God also established boundaries for human behavior. Yet not a day goes by without countless violations of His commands, resulting in disastrous physical and spiritual consequences. Amazingly, we often argue that we have the "right" to violate these boundaries.
In the days of the prophet Jeremiah, God's people had stepped out of bounds, using deceit to become rich and refusing to defend the needy (5:27-28). The result was disaster. God said, "Your sins have withheld good from you" (v.25).
Within creation there is inherent order. Violating it has inherent consequences. God in His kindness simply and lovingly communicated to us the order of things so that we can avoid those consequences. We are wise to know and to stay within His prescribed boundaries.
Do we each stop to notice, really notice, the subtle but very real pain in the eyes of our family when we react in anger or selfishness when things don't go our way? The pain in the eyes I am talking about, is easy to walk past and ignore. ... Yes, we love our parents, brothers and sisters, but is it love when we cross boundaries in our relationships, and withhold our love? Even if the other is wrong in what they say or do, we ourselves can still love and honor the boundaries God has created for us to respect in each and every family relationship.
May God help us search within ourselves and see how sometimes our simplest actions, or reactions, effect people deeply.
[Written by Julie Ackerman Link, added to by Jim Hogue, MA, MFTI / Supervisor: Peter Mosgofian, MA, MFT ]
How important is my family to me? Yes, I know I need friends, but what do I gain if I choose certain people as friends, and while doing so, give up remembering that my family as also important.
What if I can accomplish both? Is it possible? Do I have friends that respect my parents, and do my parents appreciate my friends?
In the "Parent Team Intervention Program" we believe kids "can" have both; good relationships with friends and happiness in family. Actually, we insist that this happens before a young man or young lady graduates and leaves the program.
We require this because of the principle upon which we all agree, that, "We each become like the people we spend time with." Choosing the right friends, and showing effort to be kind to your parents, will go far to bring peace and happiness to your life.
[Written by Jim Hogue, MA, MFTI / Supervisor: Peter Mosgofian, MA, MFT ]
If someone were to say to me: "Here is a medicine that can change your whole life for the better; it will put you in a state of relaxed serenity; help you overcome the nagging undercurrent of guilt for past errors, give you new insight into yourself and your spiritual value, and let you meet life's challenges with confidence and courage." Would I take it?
This is available to us if we do not cling to our burdens, our emotional upsets, family wrangling and wretchedness.
Today's Reminder I will set aside a time each day to center my thoughts on what I can do to change my circumstances to the good. I will realize how constant self-examination maintains a healthy point of view.
It is no easy assignment, but life without good self-examination is not easy either. My choice will be to take this beneficial medicine and let its healing magic work in me.
"I pray that I may grow in my ability to use each day with poise, wisdom and a touch of humor. With God's help, I can teach myself not to turn little troubles into big ones."
[Taken and fashioned from "One Day At A Time In Al-Anon" for general family relationships by Jim Hogue, MA, MFTI / Supervisor: Peter Mosgofian, MA, MFT ]
It is really a pity we cannot go to a market and buy ourselves a big chunk of "sense of humor" just as we would buy a package of yeast. They do about the same kind of thing. Yeast gives lightness and pleasant texture and taste to bread. A bit of humor works to lighten the heavy seriousness of our daily living, and the small or great trials and rough spots placed before us by those in our families.
Today's Reminder I want to remember, every time I'm tempted to take a heavy, somber view of a situation, that it may not be so bad after all. Maybe, if I look closely, the incident may have an element of absurdity or even a relieving silliness. My mood makes the matter look black, when I could instead spark it with a dash of rosy pink.
I'll try to look for the things that can add humor to my life to offset the things that are solemn or troubling. I'll cultivate a knack for recognizing and enjoying humourous moments. This could be a constructive way of detaching my mind from my daily difficulties, and see that many events are not as negative as they initially appear.
"It is usually anxiety that bars us from seeing the lighter, brighter things of life. That anxiety exists in ourselves. Because of this, we have means to reject negativity's influence on the way we react to what happens around us."
[Taken and fashioned from "One Day At A Time In Al-Anon" for general family relationships by Jim Hogue, MA, MFTI / Supervisor: Peter Mosgofian, MA, MFT ]
The topic today is on the little matter of "Stress". Actually, stress is not a little matter. Let's not fool ourselves, stress "kills" people in forms of heart disease, blood pressure and other medical conditions. Stress also effects our moods, energy level, as well as reactions to others inside and outside our families.
Remember, sometimes men, women and yes, even children, act and react in rage or isolation, related significantly to "stress" that is out of control or not within healthy management in our lives and bodies.
Today's "Daily Reading" is calling attention to a list of videos for your watching, entertainment and study on this web site "ParentDigest.Blogspot.com". (Currently this list is located at the bottom of the home page.)
Believe me, this is valuable stuff!!! ... One reason a "Stress Management Department" has been added to this "Parent Digest" site, is because "I myself" am in sore need of this attention without question, and perhaps immediately!!!
As a parent, and yes, even as a child or teenager, it can be helpful that we each remain cognizant of our own stress levels. "We need to give ourselves a break, man!" ... (Oh, and yes, I suppose give others a break to.) ... I mean, who really knows the degree of complicated tension, anxiety and worry other people suppress, and act out in strange ways!
Sometimes we can be "on edge." Do you remember being this way sometimes? Well, this alone can be a major contributor to a breakdown in coping skills. - Yours as well as your kids.
As a final note, videos on this subject will be added to the "Stress Management List" on a weekly basis. Please consult periodically. (Remember, scroll down the right side of the home page.)
[Written by Jim Hogue, MA, MFTI / Supervisor: Peter Mosgofian, MA, MFT ]
Once a man died and found himself before the pearly gates of heaven. The man always wanted to go to heaven, but wasn't sure he would get there. He looked around, admired the scenery, then noticed St. Peter standing there. To him he asked, "What must I do to get into heaven?"
Peter replied, "All you need do is spell the word "love." The man was shocked and said, "I never realized it was so easy to get into heaven." ... "I can do that!" he went on, then he promptly spelled the world "L - O - V - E".
After this St. Peter said he had to take a break, so he asked the man if he would stand watch in his place until he returned, and simply ask people to do what he did. "Oh, yes", said the man. "I can do that. "Don't you worry!" the man said, as he promptly proceeded to perform his assigned task.
Person after person went by, each competently spelling the word "LOVE". Finally, to the man's utter amazement, his wife suddenly appeared at the head of the line!
"Honey, why are you here," the man exclaimed.
The woman answered, "Well, I was driving home after your funeral, then remarkably, another vehicle slammed into the side of me and I was killed!" She went on, "What must I do to get into heaven?" Her husband answered, "Spell Czechoslovakia!" ...
Now, there are three points to this story:
(1) This is "not" nice. (2) In psychology this is called "passive aggressive behavior". (3) Do not treat your spouse or kids this way. (4) If you happen to be in the PTI Program, "PLEASE", whatever you do, "do not do this to me!!!"
[Written by Jim Hogue, MA, MFTI / Supervisor: Peter Mosgofian, MA, MFT ]
Sometimes it is not easy being a parent. I mean, can you imagine parenting a kid like you!!! ... This sounds funny, but it "does" have a bit of truth.
I mean, think about it. Imagine all the things your parents have to keep up with. And everything depends on "them!" If your dad and mom fail in providing the basics of what is needed for themselves and you, like food, clothing, a house, a bed for you to sleep in, money for the lights and so on, it is "they" who will be terrible failures in this world and would be embarrassed while being on the streets begging for something for you to eat!!!
As for you, well, you have to go to school, empty the trash, mow the lawn and things like that. I know sometimes this seems like a lot, but at least you are being taken care of. Do you know what I mean?
All this, and if your parents are any kind of parents at all, they actually care about you a lot. They know that all it would take is for you to screw up one time really bad and it could be "curtains" for you!
Think about it. Sometimes this people you live with, called parents, might not know how just exactly to say it, but they "do" really love you. The point is, do "you" love "them?" (I think you do. Even if there's problems.) Then, you should "show" them or "tell" them in some way.
If you have to, write it on a note and act like you accidently dropped it at their feet as you exit the building! I don't care "how" you do it, just "do it!!!"
Say, "Thanks Mom" and "Thanks Dad". You might find that you and them would get along better!!!
Now, go and have a nice day. ... :-)
[Written by Jim Hogue, MA, MFTI / Supervisor: Peter Mosgofian, MA, MFT ]
We make a great number of decisions, - small day-to-day ones that are mere choices, all the way up to big resolutions to make important changes in our lives.
Little or big, they are better when we use whatever forethought the situation requires. If they are concerned with other people, it is well to include such ingredients as love, generosity, tolerance and just plain kindness. Then we will make decisions we can live with comfortably.
If the resolution we're about to make is highly charged with anger, resentment or bitterness, it would be wise to hold back until the hysteria has subsided and we have taken time to consider all the factors calmly.
Today's Reminder I will remember that a decision I make in a time of crisis might not be the one I would make when the crisis is past. I will not rashly take a step which I may afterward regret.
"All our resolves and decisions are made in a mood or frame of mind which is certain to change." (Proust)
[Taken and fashioned from "One Day At A Time In Al-Anon" for general family relationships by Jim Hogue, MA, MFTI / Supervisor: Peter Mosgofian, MA, MFT]
In the region where I live there are giant redwood trees. Walking in the forests of these giants is like walking into a fairytale land. As many times as I've done so, I remain amazed at the vast sights I behold!
Yet, it is interesting how you almost never find a great redwood tree standing alone. Why is this? One would think mighty roots of such a magnificent monster clings deeply and aggressively within earth, staunchly resisting endless storms!
But this is not the case. Redwood trees grow tall and grand, not because they grasp deeply in soil, but because their roots grow out from the tree they serve, while weaving its roots remarkably with roots of other Redwood trees. Only then, standing united, do numbers of redwood trees survive the occasional mighty winds of the American Pacific North Coast.
Some of life's greatest challenges requires "community" for "individuals" to survive. This is something difficult for those of us who find it easy being individuals doing our own thing privately. ... But look at the harm you do, a harm by omition if you will, for your not reaching out both for another's need, as well as the needs that are your own.
You cannot be a giant tree standing alone. Not even mighty redwoods do that!
[Written by Jim Hogue, MA, MFTI/ Supervisor: Peter Mosgofian, MA, MFT]
Not everything you are told and not everything you think in your mind is true.
Let's take for instance your parents. Do they really want you to do well in your life? Do they, in their hearts, love you and want the best for you? Is it a fact that your dad, mom and/or guardians do things for you to see that you are taken care of in this world? I'm including here the food to eat, a place to sleep, a few other things so that you have something to do to occupy your time.
It is important that you not take this for granted, and even on some occasions, express appreciation and thankfulness for those who do these things for you.
Could it be that you are sometimes selfish? Yes, I know, we "all" think only of ourselves at times. But are you maybe going with "thinking of yourself alone" a bit too far??!!! ... If this is so, pull away from this behavior slowly. Take it easy on yourself by seeing clearly what you are doing to those who try to help you. Pull away gently and slowly, then you might find peace grow inside you as you do.
You might be surprised at how "showing some appreciation to others" can do for you. You might find peacefulness inside yourself happen as a result.
[Written by Jim Hogue, MA, MFTI, Supervisor: Peter Mosgofian, MA, MFT]
