*October 31st*

I know you might be sincere in the way you do things and the reason you do them. But an important question to ask yourself is, "Does the world work this way?"

Yes, it is important that you make and have friends. Creating friendships and finding happiness with other kids, is an important means to develop, grow and prepare for when you yourself will be an adult. Yet, ask yourself a question. "What do the kids you spend time with think of your parents?" Also, "What do those kids think of their own parents?"

What people think of your father mother says a lot about those people. Remember, the kids you hang out with have parents too. The problems a boy or girl has with his or her family can enter you, then transfer to your family by your involvement with the other kid.

I'm only saying to you today, that there is more that goes on in the world than you are able now to understand. Doing only what you "feel" is good, can be a "set-up" to hurt you in the end. Not only hurt you, but also others you love.

If you are a child or teenager in the "Parent Intervention Program," because of our love, respect and concern for you, parents in that program will do all that is possible to protect you from harm. Basically, the team of adults in your intervention program "Will be your conscious until you listen to your own conscience." It will be at that instant, when the adult team will pull back and give you credit and appreciation for good decisions you are making in your life. It is then, through your healthy actions, that we will see you have gained access to your own conscience.

[Written by Jim Hogue, MA, MFTI.
... Supervisor: (Peter Mosgofian, MA, MFT)]

*October 16th*

Without faith in a power greater than myself, I am like a storm-tossed ship without a rudder. I am flung from one trouble to another; however bravely I may battle the elements, my own strength and wisdom are not enough.

All of us need something to cling to with absolute confidence. If I have been disillusioned by disappointments, or have been let down by someone I trusted, it makes me feel as though I were alone and vulnerable in a hostile world.

I will not deprive myself of God's help and guidance. I see it at work in the PTIP program, as we share knowledge, courage and hope with one another. Confidence and dignity are restored to us by the knowledge that we are God's children.

Today's Reminder
If my faith has been dimmed by disappointment, I can begin to regain it by clinging to a spiritual idea like the one expressed in the Serenity Prayer. This living philosophy will give me a secure foundation of faith.

"God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference."

[Taken and fashioned from "One Day At A Time In Al-Anon"
for general family relationships by Jim Hogue, MA, MFTI,
Supervisor: Peter Mosgofian, MA, MFC]

*October 15th*

One day at a school where young children attended, it was recognized that the students gravitated to one area of the playground for recess. Finally a fence was erected as a border around the field for play. Then, and because of this, every time the bell rang, children would pour out for recess to all regions of the field, - the field the children once occupied only partly.

The same is true of the children we parent. Yes, some of our kids are easy to raise. But others, well, they make themselves out to be quite a challenge!

But here is a truth, a psychology if you will, that is so easy to go by unnoticed. The more a kid struggles against you, to that extent and to that extreme extent, that young one is afraid on the inside and wants you to win them over with strength, love, patience and truth.

Its like the playground at the schoolhouse analogy. Once the children knew where to go, once the boundaries were built and put in place, they went where they were told to go and did so freely joyfully!

But let's be clear, when it comes to children acting-out, using drugs, and defying you in a host of ways, as a parent, you will have to be strong, loving, patient and never give up on speaking the truth. Then, and only then, strange as it may seem, the more your son or daughter resists you, the more he or she kicks and screams in their hatred, to that extent your young desires you not to stop! (A strange paradox, isn't it!!!)

The other day I sang by his request at a young man's wedding. In all my years of working with children, no young person ever hated me more than this guy! Years later though, because I was strong, consistent and right in my team-effort with parents to hold him accountable, the teen grew up to be a husband and father, with a sacred respect for me as his one time counselor and friend.

I've seen this many times. Not only with myself, but with a great number of parents who persevered until they found love and respect in the eyes of their one time rebellious children. I mean, young men and women thanking us later for believing in them and not giving up!

You can do the same. I'm convinced of this.

Written by Jim Hogue, MA, MFTI
Supervisor: Peter Mosgofian, MA, MFC

*October 14th*

Things are different now than they were 50 or 60 years ago. Back then, relatives lived near each other. Uncles, aunts, cousins and grandparents were communities in city and country. Everybody knew one another. Everyone was family, and elders were respected without question. Because of this, when someones kid got out of hand and into trouble, the neighborhood of relatives backed each other, speaking for the kid's parents, or standing in the gap in their stead.

Now we're divided. - Parents, and sometimes a single dad or a single mom, is left to figure out the complexities of children these days, - alone, in a house with blinds closed and no witnesses.

Something is lost in today's individualism. Too often moms and dads stand as islands against angry behavior of children. Yes, there are accounts of parents abusing children, and this is sad, it is wrong, - but what of the events of children abusing moms and dads? A growing phenomenon in our time. Nagging, picking, verbally abusing and ungrateful!!! Cursing, demanding their way, and locking themselves in their rooms if they don't get what they want! ... Children who have everything, yet demand more and more. ... Never satisfied. Arrogant.

More parents than we wish to admit, in city after city, undergo torment from offspring they love deeply. When the problem of parents being abused by kids is discussed, its usually to conclude there's something wrong with the parents. The wrong behavior of children is called "A cry for help!"

But what of cases where this is not true? Fathers and mothers who are responsible people; own businesses, work hard, pay bills and keep food on the table? What if there is something wrong with "society" instead, that divides, conquers and analyses! What if many parents in this situation are normal; - only they are reacting in ways normal people do. Having their hearts ripped out inside them, and being blamed as the reason for it happening!

Maybe the old-timers had it right. Could it be with all our talk, and effort to change what has worked for centuries, we now "miss the forest for the trees?" ... Could it be that it was never meant that a parent should raise a child alone? ... Does it not make sense that when a dad or a mom tells a son or daughter what to do or not do, it is most effective for others who are adults to rise up and say, "Child, young one, listen to your parents, they love you, and they know what they're talking about for your own personal wellbeing!"

Written by Jim Hogue, MA, MFTI
Supervisor: Peter Mosgofian, MA, MFC

*October 13th*

Has your parent broken the "law" in any way? I mean specifically in relationship with you. Has your mom or dad "abused" you, as it were, in a way that is legislatively declared "illegal"? ... OK. If not, then you have the responsibility as their kid to be "respectful" and "kind" to them. It is necessary that you speak and act toward your father and mother in ways that do not bring stress upon them.

You see, it's your parents duty to provide a place for you to live. You are to have food and clothing. Beyond this, the rest is just "icing on the cake", so to speak.

My point is this, "Being a parent is difficult." If that was all your parents had to do was "parent you", then "parenting you" would not be so difficult!

But you see, you are "not" the only thing going on in your parents' lives. Your mom and dad have jobs to do, bills to pay, a house to clean, and grocery carts to push at the store to keep you fed. I mean there's like a "thousand" other details they have to care of beyond just thinking of you!

A good idea would be for you to sometime "thank your parents for how they are so nice to you." (They don't have to be so nice, and you know it!)

I know telling your parents you appreciate them asking a lot. (Or so you might think.) But actually, doing this is not as "difficult" as you might think. Yet, if it "is" that difficult for you, then "write something nice on a piece of paper and act like you accidently dropped the paper at their feet while passing by them! If you have to, run out of the building rapidly after doing so. Do "anything" it takes to get a the least bit of thankfulness across to them!!!

Remember, you might be a parent yourself someday. If this happens, may God help you, because you will need it!!!

Written by Jim Hogue, MA, MFTI
Supervisor: Peter Mosgofian, MA, MFC

*October 12th*

"Train up a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not depart from it." (Proverbs 22:6)

Is this statement from the Bible true? Based on what we see today, it is easy to believe that this well known and much studied verse is out of date, insignificant, and has entirely lost its influence.

Let me tell you now, this profound psychological principal embedded in scripture, remains valid today. It is more true today than perhaps ever before.

Then why are we losing confidence in this ancient proverb? For what reason have we "lost touch" with this vital principle, as we as well-meaning parents, search for ways to raise our children?

It is because, in many families, it is the "children" who are training "parents" in how "they", the children, wish to be raised!

A child can "turn-the-tables" on his or her parents. A mom and a dad can "think" they are parenting when they're not! A child can "parent the parents" on how to parent. All this, remarkably, while the child, not even for a second, assumes no responsibility to respect the needs and wishes of others.

There are many ways this is accomplished in homes. For now let me ask you, do you ever become "weary" of the fight? Do you ever just "give-in" to the demands of your son or daughter, just so there can be some "peace" at the end of the day? Then your child, regardless of age or weight beyond infancy, is using "shere fatigue", your fatigue, to train you in how he (or she) will be parented.

There are many other tricks used against parents to rob you of your empowerment as a parent. Not only from children, but also from the society we live in. ... More on this later. ...

Written by Jim Hogue, MA, MFTI
Supervisor: Peter Mosgofian, MA, MFT

*October 11th*

In the "Parent Team Intervention Program" we believe that when a kid shows basic respect and honor to his parents or guardians, he or she is "protected" under that parental "umbrella of authority." One example of this is when a child continues angry defiance against parents, that child is left to depend upon his or her own "reasoning" to "make sense of the world."

All adults understand how confusing matters of the world can be. Think of how that is like for s newly maturing mind of a child or teenager. Because of this, when a son or daughter gives basic respect to the thoughts and feelings of his or her parents, that child can trust that the adults in charge in the family know best what decisions and actions are best for the problems in the world. Then, for the periods of childhood and adolescence, the young one has the luxury and safety to not "worry" about such complicated and profound matters. Instead he or she need only experience childhood and adolescence with all its enjoyments and opportunities as they happen daily towards personal growth.

"What about the war in Iraq," ... "World hunger", ... "Who will be our country's next president, and what will happen when that president is elected?" A child who has reasonable respect for mom and dad need not worry about such matters, for he or she knows decisions of this kind can be trusted to the more experienced intellects of father, mother, grandfather, grandmother, teacher, principal, pastor or priest.

Basically, if a child thinks his parents are "stupid", then that child's mind has no alternative but to default to solving major problems in life "alone" intellectually, before he has acquired coping skills to do so. This subtle, but stressful, mental experience is enough to drive any kid to anger, depression, drugs, fighting, arguing, defiance and many other bad decisions and behaviors.

Let's return to realizing the great honor of being a parent in our childrens' lives. And if they defy our healthy judgment, may we remember the valuable, God-given position we occupy.

Written by Jim Hogue, MA, MFTI
(Supervised by Peter Mosgofian, MA, MFT)

*October 10th*

The role of victim is all too familiar to many of us. We've done the act, and we've done it well! Yes, we've been treated unjustly, - or we've thought we have. As a result, we have passively waited for circumstances to change. This we've done with the bottle, with the pills, or by blaming others for what has been our feelings and attitudes. Nothing was our fault. We were willing participants to victimization. This is not easy to accept, but is true nonetheless.

Now we choose to not be victims. Victims make bullies. Victims make bullies the kind of bullies victims want them to be. ... A bully will move from room to room. As he does so, that bully becomes the kind of bully each room full of victims wish him to be. - Then who makes who?

Depression, and remaining helpless, may be what we think about often, but they need not become our state of mind. The answer is, and always will be, responsible action in taking management of our lives and what we expect from others.

Today stretches before me an unknown quantity. Concerns will crowd upon me, but guidance regarding the best action to take, one moment at a time, is within my power by the grace of God.

[By Jim Hogue, MA, MFTI (Supervisor: Peter Mosgofian, MFT)]

*October 9th*

Philosophers, clear back to the ancient Greeks, have always made much of the idea of correcting bad habits by daily practice of good ones. We cannot go on functioning as we have been, impulsively and automatically, if we hope to improve our lives.

If we really want peace of mind, the first thing we must know is that it does not depend on conditions "outside" us, but conditions that are "inside" us. An honest look at our own motives may show that we relish our martyrdom, or that we fear subconsciously that we deserve the pain we create.

When we find the causes of our distress and frustration, we can establish correcting habits to overcome them.

Today's Reminder
A program of self-recognition and self-change "reads easy", but "does hard." Many failures come from trying to do too much too fast, and from expecting results overnight. I will search out just one fault, one bad habit, and work to eliminate that one. As I observe the changes this effort brings about in my outside circumstances, I will find the courage to keep on changing myself for the better. This, in turn, will also influence for the better both my spouse and children.

"It is no easy thing for a principle to become a man's own, unless each day he maintain it and work it out in his life." (Epictetus)

[Taken and fashioned from "One Day At A Time In Al-Anon"
for general family relationships by Jim Hogue, MA, MFTI]

*October 8th*

I am told that I can help yourself, no matter how great my burdens and troubles are. But sometimes I think: "Easy for you to say, but you don't know what "I'm" going through!"

However, am I building up little things into giants, so that those things would seem unberable? I know I'm not the only one who does this. Many other people do. We may magnify disagreements about money for instance, or did my parents and teachers talk to me right when they told me what to do! Yes, I can expand minor slights into huge grievances. Without realizing it, I'm looking for trouble and am ready to fasten onto little things that I could easily pass over, if I really want peace and happiness in my life.

Today's Reminder
If I don't make big problems out of little ones, I can save myself much grief. Fighting for my "rights" often creates more difficulty than accepting less than I expect. If I really value peace on the inside of me, I will avoid making big issues out of small ones. Giving in, and letting go, becomes easier as I practice it, and it pays big dividends in my own inner satisfaction.

"Why are you troubled because things do not succeed according to your desire? Who is there who has all things according to his will? Neither I, nor you, nor any man upon earth."
(Thomas A'Kempis)

[Taken and fashioned from "One Day At A Time In Al-Anon"
for general family relationships by Jim Hogue, MA, MFTI]

*October 7th*

We hear many warnings against harboring resentment. It is a rare person who does not yield to resentment when he or she feels wronged by someone. We can resent our fate, our bad luck, our lot in life.

No amount of self-discipline can heal us of resentment. Sometimes it seems the more we struggle against it, resentment gains its very strength from our struggle. Resentment sneaks up on us, surging like a dark sickness into the mind, plunging our emotions into turmoil.

We know it's destructive; we may earnestly want to free ourselves from it. What can we do?

First we think of our own personal good. Does it hurt the person we are resenting? Or does it hurt us? Then we reflect that this damaging combination of emotion and bad logic, comes from "not understanding its cause." Let's dissect it and find out what, inside us, gives resentment its overwhelming power.

Today's Reminder
I have no room for resentment in my life. I will not fight it with grim determination. Instead I will pull back from this impulse, "Easy does it", and give no place to resenting one day at a time in God's strength. ... The best antidote for resentment is the continual practice of gratitude."

"Nothing on earth consumes a man more completely than the passion of resentment." (Friedrick Nietzsche)

[Taken and fashioned from "One Day At A Time In Al-Anon"
for general family relationships by Jim Hogue, MA, MFTI]

*October 6th*

Sometimes we each can appear that we have our thoughts, our emotions, our "lives" in order. But it can happen that others can see rather quickly that this smugness can be only "skin deep." The test is when we are crossed, disappointed or annoyed. The real untamed faults will then come through, and in our anger, we might not recognize the wrong in ourselves.

When we make only superficial changes in the way we cope in the world, and give only ardent lip service to what we learn, our progress is slow and our return to old ways are many. The regeneration we seek must involve true spiritual change. Change that must run deep, with each character flaw inside us replaced by a new and good quality.

Today's Reminder
I must be completely honest with myself in uncovering the faults which hamper my decisions, my behavior, and my spiritual growth. One by one, watchfully and painstakingly, I will replace them with constructive coping skills and attitudes.

"Men imagine they communicate their virtue - only by overt actions and words. They do not see that virtue, or its opposite, emits a breath at every moment."
(Ralph Waldo Emerson: "Self-Reliance")

[Taken and fashioned from "One Day At A Time In Al-Anon"
for general family relationships by Jim Hogue, MA, MFTI]

*October 5th*

"God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference."

When I say the Serenity Prayer over and over, I could fall into the habit of merely parroting the words without being aware of their meaning. If I "think" of the meaning of each phrase, my understanding will grow, and along with it, my capability to realize "the difference between what I can change and what I cannot."

The prayer states first that there are elements in my life which I have no power to change. That my serenity depends upon my accepting these elements, and that the more I fight them, the more they will torment me. "Courage to change the things I can" gives me unlimited freedom to work on those elements which are under my control, and of my utmost concern.

Today's Reminder
The Serenity Prayer suggests I ask God for "courage to change the ‘things' I can." The word is "things", not "people". True, there is much room for improvement in my life, but it can come only from changing my own attitudes and actions for the better.

[Taken and fashioned from "One Day At A Time In Al-Anon"
for general family relationships by Jim Hogue, MA, MFTI]

*October 4th*

I have to remember that one important reason I sometimes make bad decisions in what I say or do, is because of the guilt I carry for other wrongs I have done in the past. Also, it is good for me to recall that other people can also be carrying guilt inside them in similar ways that I do. I wish to remember to love my family, but I cannot allow myself to be responsible for their, or any other person's, burden of guilt. Because suppressed feelings of guilt can be a great burden in life, knowing this can help me understand and have increasing compassion for others. This way, I can more easily choose to not hold resentment and anger day by day in my life."

Another person may say: "I wish I could believe that! When my family member gets through telling me off, I feel as though the devil were sitting on my back with fifty pound lead weight in each pocket!"

Today's Reminder
There is no need for me to accept blame for another person's guilt ridden actions. When I am tempted to do so, I will deal with my own shortcomings. If I do this honestly, the change in me will be reflected in every person whose life touches mine.

"Let me weigh my misdeeds on an honest scale and make restitution as well as I can. But let not the scale be unbalanced by the weight of what others have done."

[Taken and fashioned from "One Day At A Time In Al-Anon"
for general family relationships by Jim Hogue, MA, MFTI]

*October 3rd*

Sometimes I get real confused in my head. Its like I get dizzy, and my thoughts get to racing. Usually it is then when I try to come up with my own answers about life and what is happening when I try to get along with others. When the answers I are right don't work, I then grow frustrated and sometimes become angry. When this happens it is best that I "Keep it simple and live with faith in the moment."

Probably there is nothing I can do now, this minute, this hour, this day, to solve the problem that is causing me to be frustrated. If so, then why do I make it harder for myself?

I will stop depending only on my own thinking to solve things that are too big for me. I will not re-think in my head over and over, to the point that I finally get physically sick in doing so. I will empty my mind of all this craziness. Instead I will ask God to give me strength, help, and in His time, make sense of what happens around me.

Today's Reminder
The things that trouble me are often too complicated for me to figure out. Actually, the thing that is bothering me, might be something that is not even real, but instead something I've "made-up" in my own mind. When I get stuck in this way of thinking, I will remind myself to "Keep it simple and live with faith in the moment." I know then I will find myself more happy in the end.

"Under the shadow of Thy wing shall be my refuge until this tyranny pass." (Book of Common Prayer)

[Taken and fashioned from "One Day At A Time In Al-Anon"
for general family relationships by Jim Hogue, MA, MFTI]

*October 2nd*

Wanting to know why my parents, teachers and other adults want me to do something is like "an itch for which there is no scratch!" Nothing good actually comes from all my questioning.

It seems like I am "always" trying to "figure things out." Just about the time I think I have people "figured out" though, then I get all "confused" again! Some how I keep believing if I can only put my finger exactly on the one thing that is the reason I'm confused about people, the thing that is bothering me will just simply vanish away. Only it really never happens this way.

What is important, however, and within my God-given powers to figure out, is what am "I" doing that confuses and complicates my life. When I discover this, and do something to change it, what will vanish will be a good number of "my own" troubles!

Today's Reminder
May I be the kind of person that I need to be for my family and friends. May I learn to find what is good in others, including my parents, and be quick to appreciate it. This, and God's love for me, will be all I will need to bring happiness to my life. I will learn to stop always asking "Why do people do the things they do!!!", then only do things to change my own.

"Leave off that excessive desire of knowing; therein is found much distraction. There are many things the knowledge of which is of little or no profit to the soul."
(Thomas A'Kempis)

[Taken and fashioned from "One Day At A Time In Al-Anon"
for general family relationships by Jim Hogue, MA, MFTI]